On The Verge

Kristine Cucinotta Murphy

Here’s a 2019 update. We spent the last 2 years in a bad rut that only kept us spinning tires in the mud, sinking deeper and deeper. We separated countless times. In both of our frustrations, we found ourselves clueless to what the heck was going on. Knowing we both love God, serve him and love and serve each other, even when we are madder than fire.

Both of our strong willed, independent, stubborn and how we knew to do things kept us butting heads and locking antlers like deer. It got seriously out of hand.

Come the start of this year, it was as worse as it had ever been. But, we aren’t quitters and we were both brought to a dire moment to willingly humble ourselves in humiliation.

Something about humiliation that says “Myself, my reputation, my way is just not worth staying where we are, take it all away! Mercy, Mercy, Mercy!” and there is just no getting away from nor denying truth.

There came a point when the realization came, not only were we hurting each other, but our own self and mostly, we were hurting our testimony of who God is.

We were on the verge of not just losing our relationship with each other but our relationship with God.

The real heart and mind change started while we were separated once again and even longer than before. We both agreed to do a confession video, strictly of all of the horrible things we had said and done to each other without reasons or blaming. Not only did we confess, but we had a viewing witness that was not a respector of persons and trusted each other to post the videos on our FB walls with only the three of us able to view the videos.

It is one thing to confess to someone that you have done wrong, which led to pleading for forgiveness and repentance, but to include another person and put that faith of trust that no one would use the video against the other was extremely difficult and emotional.

We know God knows all, and yet, I don’t think we fully comprehend his awareness being we don’t really physically see God in the way we see another person. Of course we know His Holy Spirit and that is how we know God and his presence. The fear of the LORD is needed in a big way in all of our lives. And, I have experienced, confession with a witness truly brings about the reality that your deepest darkest moments will be brought to light and there is someone else who sees it and that someone truly is God and all you can do is be truthful and hope He is all so merciful but even if he wouldn’t be, knowing and accepting we don’t deserve it. Truly we deserve death.

I don’t know where each of you are in your marriage with your spouse or if you have ever confessed all the wrongs you have done without explaining why or blaming your spouse or even with the presence of a witness. But, I do know it was a major need and important step for our freedom and healing to begin.

We since have grown so much closer and tighter in the fear of the LORD. Our trust was built to heights unimaginable. We still have bouts where we start to fall back to all that nonsense, but this year is different. We stop it immediately! We ain’t going back there. We have been brought to light. We desire to run so far ahead of that darkness aka madness and never return, it’s not worth our relationship nor worth losing our soul.

Pray for us that we continue to submit to the Holy Spirit, but even before anything is said, submitting every thought that leads us astray by our feelings, captive to the obedience of Christ. That’s our goal and desire; to obey God above all regardless. It’s not about us.

Mine husband refuses separation again and he is willing to stop his thoughts and ways to let it go to God. And, he makes sure he lifts me in prayer, speaking out loud for me to stop my thoughts and ways to let it go to God. Knowing, I need him to, being the more emotional and weaker vessel. He now truly shepherds me even if his heart and flesh start to fail him. We both know God is where it’s at!

One of us quickly humbles and starts praying. One of us moves that mountain that tries to get in our way and only speak kind, loving, endearing, uplifting words in the heat of the moment that makes it all evaporate into thin air. At a time, battling words are heard and all out war against each other could explode, being in a disagreement or at odds with each other. To make it all flee, just by saying ” I Love You” is the most amazing experience I have had by far with mine husband. The, just shutting our mouth and just be still and let patience work peace in us. And the, “Ok, I’m not arguing”, and reaching for the other’s hand or hug and start praying, asking God to forgive us and light the path for our feet has no words to express just how great LOVE truly is.

We have grown leaps and bounds together as one: God, husband and wife.

Like my momma always says to me, ” I don’t know how you do it, you always fall in crap and come out smelling like roses.” There was a time I answered her, “I don’t know how.” Now, I know how, and I answer her “God is how!”

1 John 4
Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world.

2 Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God:

3 And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world.

4 Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world.

5 They are of the world: therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them.

6 We are of God: he that knoweth God heareth us; he that is not of God heareth not us. Hereby know we the spirit of truth, and the spirit of error.

7 Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.

8 He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.

9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

10 Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another.

12 No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us.

13 Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.

14 And we have seen and do testify that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world.

15 Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God.

16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world.

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

19 We love him, because he first loved us.

20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.