Kristine Cucinotta Murphy
Mine husband had committed and disciplined himself to do his devotional videos on his lunch breaks. He was on a roll until he allowed himself to be distracted by other things. Mainly, us not getting along. His mind and heart failed him to stay committed and true to his word. Then, he decided when he started back up, to do his videos after work without clarity of a new agreement or understanding. So, I was still relying on his first word given and holding onto him telling me prior to living full-time in a camper, that when we will be living in the camper, I will get to watch him and be with him when he does the videos on his lunch and that excited us both. I am still holding onto his word and looking forward to it on his lunch breaks.
He did one or two videos on his lunch since and after a while, he chose to do them any other time but when he said he would. Whatever his reasonings, valid or not, I was crushed today when I was waiting for him to do his video after fixing his meal and we ate. Instead he puts his boots back on to go back to work. I questioned about the video and he told me when and how he is going to do it now. My feelings sprung up and I knew it wasn’t good for them to, or at least not let my feelings take charge over me. I walked outside to be quiet and still, to submit myself and my feelings to God. Mine husband came to me as he always does when I am being quiet and seeking God’s help. This usually always goes bad, because he pleads his case with me and defends his opinions and thoughts in a time I am being quiet needing God most to help me while he is forcing a response out if me to accept his stance of did nothing wrong and why of explanations in defense.
But, praise God today when he started to explain himself, I said “No talking please.” He stopped immediately and let me be, came back and kissed me on the forehead and walked back into work. So, yes he is being meek and not having to force his feelings or opinions on me in a vulnerable and weak time for me with mine husband in my recognition of the need to submit my thoughts and feelings to God. So, I can be still and let the Lord fight for me and work in and through me what is fitting for The Spirit to do.
I know I shouldn’t upset so easily and entertain my feelings before I married mine husband. I mastered submitting to God’s Spirit to not be moved in an adverse moment between my feelings and being in The Spirit. I stood through getting spit in the face, choked and being threatened by others immediately letting go of my feelings and submit in an instant, crying out inside “Lord move”. I let him increase as I decreased. And, I witness and testify God move on my behalf and how amazing and wonderful God handled each and every matter to bring me to victory in each situation.
Make or break and I made it each time by immediately submitting in all fear, trembling, and reverence to God in obedience. It can be done with the willingness and desire for God to move.
All of God, none of me.
Now, I see and hear. God said to me, okay you think you got this obedience thing down good do you? Now I give you to a man to marry and do this very obedience with. And all of a sudden like having amnesia, I lost it. This seriously frustrates me. I can submit to God and call on God to move in the most life threatening situations with each and every loved one I deeply care for but the one I am to be with; mine husband being one flesh.
This has been an issue since we married 2 years ago. I shouldn’t have to walk away from mine husband to be still and decrease in obedience. And, it upsets mine husband when I walk away, so he comes after me to try and rectify the matter. Which, only makes matters worse because now I feel threatened and attacked by mine husband trying to force his opinions and ways on me, that he is right no matter what or digging to know what to do to be right for future situations to try and prevent me from having feelings of hurt or upset by him.
The thing is we can’t prevent feelings from coming and even more so from our spouse. But, what we can prevent is how we handle them, if we entertain them or not, if we submit them to God or not. I desire nothing more than mine husband to accept he will hurt me and my feelings and there is no changing that. There is nothing he can do to prevent my feelings from coming. No one wants or desires to purposely upset or hurt someone’s feelings, but don’t think for a minute we can prevent it. And, I desire nothing more than to submit my hurts and upset to God immediately, to decrease in the moment and let God fight for me and move on my behalf with mine husband to not walk away anymore.
It’s a choice. My choice to submit my feelings and thoughts immediately to obey or not, which is my next post I was writing up before this all took place today. Hah, God is funny like that. He gave me a heads up, guidance and a warning. Yet, I didn’t take in all in, in importance to heed in a dire time what He was having me pour out to do in just moments to come.
God, continue to give mine husband the desire to prioritize being meek, to be obedient to you, because when he is, I hear and see you God even more. And, even if he doesn’t, God give me the desire to make it priority to be meek to obey You, with mine husband without walking away in Jesus name, it is so.