Kristine Cucinotta Murphy
This ain’t no poem. This is no devotional. This is real talk. I ain’t here to tickle anyone’s fancy or put on an act. I’m here to speak truth and sometimes you just may not like it or don’t believe God would allow such evil and torment in our lives. But, I will still testify.
Mine husband and I will have our 2 year anniversary this Saturday. We have put each other through hell and back since the first week into our union that manifested pure wickedness. We have both failed God. We have separated countless times. There was physical abuse, mental and emotional abuse from both of us toward each other.
Yet, we are in ministry work for Godly marriages and evangelism. I dusted off my knees each struggle and battle, rising up in even greater faith, on fire, on a roll, no matter what, unmovable until a few days ago.
“God why have you forsake me!” I screamed. As mine butterfly wings got touched, crippling me and fell lifeless, fast from the highest heaven to the depth of hell. In great anger, no longer willing to fly from field to field any longer.
I called mine husband in fierce anger to let him have it. He treated me as if I did not exist at all in another separation again even longer this time. I lost ALL FAITH in God and the ministry. I was spitting fire, preaching the Gospel, encouraging and praying with others and speaking life. In a blink of an eye, a single flap of mine butterfly wings I quit everything. All I wanted was mine husband to catch on fire for God and come get me without me asking and fly with me.
In mine husband’s harsh, hurt and anger, from my most hateful texts, he came and got me being all demanding. He had enough, yet I went with him, knowing where I was the repeated threats that came out from my pain, from my words to hurt him back to commit adultery, I seriously was fixin to step into.
God, Faith, our ministry, my writing, my daily 4-8hr study devotional time and praying for others I lost all desire. No more, wash my hands.
What God told me on that dark December day that started another gruelsome separation, mine husband said he did not believe God told me, no way God would tell me something like that grew louder and louder. Mine husband did not believe me, nor believed what God told me. I lost all heart and all faith, everything else God told me about my purpose and calling with mine husband and even to marry him was a lie. God left me and has forsaken me. Every promise he made unfulfilled left full of bitterness, anger and down right hopeless weighed me great, so great I turned away from faith because I was deceived or so disobedient to not really hear God’s voice so screw it all.
Yet, I still desired mine husband as mean as he sounded that day he came for me. I told him what I decided to do, I left God for him. All I care about is mine husband, to make things right with him and give each other the attention we have been withholding from each other. He is all that matters to me.
And, that we did and now continue to do. There was still residue of hurt and anger that would spit out. It was hard, extremely difficult but our desire for love pushed greater through. The “I love you”(s), and words of affirmations to each other, “you’re my lord and you’re my girl” greatly poured on immediately after, washing all the residue away. All I care about is rebuilding us and building up mine husband.
Mine husband says I still have faith or I wouldn’t be doing the things God has been prompting me to do in regards to helping others. But, I seriously lost faith. He said so I could see his faith that I would accuse in the heat of the moment he didn’t have. Maybe, but I told him I believe I lost all faith so he would have to use his, and so his faith could grow. Because, faith can’t grow unless you use it.
That’s the one thing mine husband told me that was most attractive to him, was my faith, why he married me.
Maybe my faith was so great he didn’t have to use his. And I don’t care what anyone says God will leave and forsake us if he must. He will leave the 99 to go after the one. He even left and forsook his only begotten son on that cross when he bore our sins, in the flesh he did. And he will us, you can’t encourage someone enough to not lose faith if that be God’s will to save and raise up love again.
Mine husband has changed and I witnessed him become a butterfly before mine very eyes. He is now flying from field to field as I lay here on the ground with a slow movement of my wounded, sore wings, a glimmer of hope seeing him fly and no longer stuck, no more dark cocoon.
We pour on love to each other and that’s what we will continue to do. Ministry or not, study or not. It’s not about preaching it, it’s about becoming it, Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:8-11
Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away.
9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part.
10 But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away.
11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.